The Hungarian Authentic is back with another fresh story. In the last two weeks I did not post here, there was a reason behind the silence. During the last couple of weeks, I went through a difficult chapter. I was emotionally exhausted. It is a part of the story that I have a history of confidence problems, lack of self-love and often feeling “under the weather” when I am not consciously keeping my vibration high. It has been more than a month now we arrived back to Hungary and I was proud at the beginning that I am powerful and resistant enough not to be touched by the lock-down, by the general mood of people. This was true for 2-3 weeks after our arrival…
The lack of Sunshine, nature, lack of contacts with people and outside activities resulted in running out of steam. Apart from a daily 30-minutes walking with my dog and some family visit trips, we stayed at home in the last 5 weeks. Our “base” is like a safe bubble for us, where we feel comfortable and relaxed, keeping outside the noise of the World. In the 10 days quarantine and after, I performed daily routines but I noticed, there is nothing to recharge my batteries from and I let my energy drained. I am a giving person and love helping people who need my support. Even in this time, I kept giving, supported with what I learnt and experienced in my life, ignoring the fact I have my energy level on a dangerous level. I started to feel something is not right, I felt inner stress and had regular arguments with my Mrs. mostly on small matters. These minor arguments gradually turned into major fights and I ended up a good week ago to be the person I was 3 years ago; when I lived without much consciousness about what is going on in my head. Even during this time, I kept writing my daily gratitude journal (this is something I did every single morning for the last two and half years so this became a very well-practised habit for me). I did my yoga almost every morning, but I completely ignored my daily push-up & sit-up exercises and the Wim Hof cold showering, which I recently started and noticed having a good effect on me. I started letting myself going down in a spiral when we had an argument. My mind took the smallest comment forward and rounded up to hateful thoughts like “I am useless, I am a failure, I am a loser”. I have a history of this problem since my childhood but in the recent few years, I am dealing with these thoughts better and noticed huge improvements by applying the right tools. The first few mood changes to gloomy lasted 2-3 hours, then increased to 6-8 hours. I was on a low vibration, we communicated with each other without any patience. After an argument, I often lied down and just stayed there for an hour or two, I did not want to get up! I consumed alcohol almost daily. Ok, it was a can of beer or a glass of wine in the evening, but even this amount of alcohol influenced my mood swing. I always noticed the aftereffect of alcohol the next morning but then in the evening, I justified myself a beer is not killing me. I guess this is how people get addicted to alcohol!
My online friends – who often seek my support and care- started noticing, something is not right with me and they stepped up, showing their care too. They were surprised that “even Zollie” can be at a place like this. I noticed, often some online friends – who I have never seen in real life-, can care more than the family and friends I have known for decades! I appreciate my new online friends who showed me their kindness and support when I needed it the most for the recovery. They also give and care. How beautiful is this? People can care about each other’s well-being even they are thousands of miles apart and even never met personally. The World would be a different place if every person would notice just about one other human being when that person is feeling not well and maybe that person needs only a “hey, I am here for you, how can I help you?”. Just the feeling, you am not alone in this World can play a huge part to feel better. Kifa, Ena and Nira your care meant a lot to me this time! Thank you and I am very grateful for you.
I decided to continue giving more, because the World needs kindness in different forms, caring, loving and genuine relationships between each other. Even sending handwritten letters to your new or old friends, sending a caring message about his/her well-being can make a Huge difference! Don`t forget, we all need the feeling to be needed, loved and cared. If you have a family member, friend who you feel might be lonely or not well, just take your phone, send a message and ask the question, “Hey, how are you feeling, you know you are not alone, and I am here for you?”.
A bit more than a week ago, on a Friday, we started the morning with a new argument which I cannot even remember about what. It is like a slap in the face when the love of your life, spiritual partner, best friend says “I am honest with you, I cannot even stand staying with you in one room for two weeks. Please do something about it”. Even though it gave me a shock and made me upset at the same time, it turned into a wake-up-call to wake me up from the sleep to come back to my new and powerful, motivated me. This sentence from my wife cleared my foggy mind, I started to think again. This is not who I became, I am better than this, I must own this problem and deal with it, must take an action NOW! You know what? While I was lying in the bed I even felt guilt for hating my life instead of feeling grateful. I have everything I wanted, more than what I expected. I reached 10x more than I ever dreamed of and I am here, lying in bed and thinking about how failure I am. What is wrong with me?! This really pissed me off!
When you got into the low-mood loop, it is like driving a car without a wheel, you no longer have control over your thoughts, until you put back the wheel again. The question is not how you manage a situation but how you manage your thoughts and emotions, those can poison your progress and willingness to deal with the situation. Stop worshipping your mind, don’t let your mind become your boss to control your activities. Manage your mind first and then deal with the problem/situation! When you face with a situation like this in your life, try at least to follow one of these tips to see a quick change in your mood. When you start feeling down and if you feel a sudden change in your daily routines, try to meditate to relax your inner mind, read a good book that gives back your motivation, write down the problems you always go through and see a pattern, think about what you can make to stop this pattern from reoccurring again. Meet a friend, call someone who makes you laugh, or simply take a walk in a social space. Seek professional help if needed. These all can help to interrupt negative cycles of thinking.
For a week, I was someone else. Look at the mirror…do you like who you see? I could not stand to see my own face in the mirror, I looked like a terminally ill person waiting for death. As in many areas of life, the first steps are the most challenging to take, the same applies to climbing out from your low mood. All was just a matter of deciding I am no longer feeling good to be down and I cannot even stand myself in this state.
I re-introduced the daily push-ups, sit-up exercises and started taking more seriously the Wim Hof Method (oh, this will deserve a dedicated post, I am a newbie yet). I know, I am in a vulnerable position when anything can trigger to fall back, so at this stage must do anything to keep the vibration high, if needed by breaking the gloomy pattern with a cold-water shower, that works like a Reset button. For a week, each day I started listening to 8-10 hours of motivating, real badass music that pumped my mood and did not let my Ego to wander to “Hate-Land”. After our final argument, I booked an appointment with my favourite Kinesiology therapist. She already has helped me a lot with disconnecting from my parents, not to expect them to love me and feel appreciated for my achievements in life. I am very grateful for her help. With a support of a Kinesiologist, you can release negative emotional effects of depression, guilt, anger, phobias, and addictions. Sometimes self-help is not enough, must admit to yourself when need professional help with permanently treating a problem.
I am back on my track and promised myself, I am better than letting myself down again! I have the tools, the mindset, the inner power to stay strong, motivated and focused. You can blame everybody on your circumstances, but it is your own responsibility to deal with your own thoughts that come to your mind, your behaviour which depends on your mood. Make radical changes to get out of the low mood and prevent going back, try keeping your vibration high. Remember, our mind fights against us and we decide to lose or win.